around midnight i began to question my decision to have a home birth, & maria was getting tired... she called in a second midwife for support & my doula arrived from another birth... i was afraid of the power - i hadn't felt it like this in kayenn's birth... i was afraid that i would come apart - even though i had to - i know now that coming apart is a part of the process... someplace in the middle of this birth i realized that i did not know how to do this - i was acting against the birth process - literally & emotionally... i had a mental idea of what it should look, sound,
smell, be like... after some hours maria checked me again, i had been at 9 cm for 4 hours... she said to me, «some
babies can come through at 9 cm, but yours will not, sokhna... sokhna, you are going to have to fight to bring this
baby out... go into the bathroom, get in the shower & work it out... «so i did... i went in the cold bathroom
alone & remembered every cold detail of kayenn's birth... i wondered if i could get to the hospital on time to have an emergency c - section & i began to cry... & as i cried i had to go to the bathroom - i sat on the toilet & the rushes came down like nothing i can explain - but they didn't hurt - it was just POWER!
At birth, your
baby's senses are tuned in to respond to your unique
smell, the
smell of your breast milk and the feel of your bare skin so that after just one feed, your
baby will be able to recognize you by
smell alone.
This is not how Heather had imagined new motherhood —
alone, heartsick, an unexpectedly solo caretaker of a
baby who
smelled «like sliced apples and salted pretzels» but might be perilously ill.